My Higher Power is John Stamos
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize