I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
