oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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