I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
