You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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