Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
