Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
