I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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