having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
