Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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