pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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