Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
