My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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