Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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