was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
