The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
