One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Text me some of your sweat
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
