Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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