either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
