you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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