I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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