Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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