The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
