She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
