onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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