I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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