you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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