Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
