i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
