I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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