Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
