so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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