I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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