Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
