Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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