I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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