I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
