You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
