nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
