I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
