i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
