I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
