my phone needs a breathalizer
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
