the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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