I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
