I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
