fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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