You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
