thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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