I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize