On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
im on a boat
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