i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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