I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
