Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Actions speak louder than pants.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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