It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
