i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
